When you are in chronic pain it is hard to give up control.You need to control everything around you because you’re trying to control the pain. You try to cope the best way you knows how. You’re trying to distract yourself. You’re trying to take away the pain. YOU ARE IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE . Constantly struggling with a reality that nobody sees. For a long time I associated driving with excruciating pain . I get car sick, after 10 minutes in the car my whole body stiffens up and my back feels like it’s on fire. It makes me want to rip my head off. For a long time I had to lay down in the back seat and I could never sit upright. I would put off going on long trips and I sacrificed a lot of things for over 10 years. I would always drive if we went anywhere because I would hope to distract myself from the pain.
This past weekend I went away with an amazing group of women to StrongCamp New England. We decided it was a good idea to drive together and I was not the driver. This was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, giving up the control. Immediately my brain associates this car ride with pain so it puts me in a funky mood. The amazing woman who drove us drives on the slow side which drove me crazy. But I’m learning to be a better person so once again have to learn to keep my mouth shut and give up that control. She is a great driver and has never had a speeding ticket. I’m so proud of her she got us there safe and sound in the pouring rain. I drive 90mph everywhere I go. By the time we got to the hotel I was miserable. Even though I sat in the front seat I was car sick, had a migraine and my back was screaming out in pain. I knew no amount of medication was going to take my pain away. I would just have to suck it up and deal. Try my best not to be a bitch but once my body reaches that pain mode my brain start spinning out of control. After an hour or so I just dropped it(my pain level) myself with meeting the rest of our team, decompressing, and things weren’t as bad.
The ride home was a different story… my body was wrecked from a hard long weekend at strong camp. My mind was clear but full of pain, emotional and physical. I’m all about getting from point A to B the quickest, fastest and most direct route possible. Of course there was a mishap with the GPS. I knew the GPS was wrong on which way to go because I’m like a human compass. When you have three other women and the GPS telling you you’re wrong you begin to second-guess yourself. Let me back up a bit, I’m only like a human compass because of my father. When I was little he would take us girls out into the woods and leave us there then tell us to find our way home. As a young child it was scary as fuck. Especially knowing that I was responsible for my two younger sisters. Later on in life I learned that he was nearby watching but I never knew that back then. Twice at the age of 6 I got lost in the woods with my little sister in tow. One of the times she fell and broke her arm. I’m not sure how I found my way back. I think it was a pure miracle but I remember her crying the whole way and I remember thinking Dads going to be really mad and beat me for this one. So in my mind as we’re getting lost on the highway all this is running through my head making my headache 10 times as i’m trying not to puke. My body is screaming out in pain and I am going to pee my pants at any moment. I’m trying so hard not to be a total bitch. Giving up control of a situation has been one of the hardest things I have ever learned how to do. I’m not sure anyone else in that car realized my internal struggle I don’t think they realize how deep it goes. I am not even sure I think I realize how deep it goes. Us taking the wrong Highway put another 45 minutes on the drive and my Everlasting pain which makes me go crazy and sets off me having anxiety attack. My anxiety attacks gets so bad that I want to jump out of the car there is no medicine… GIVING UP CONTROL IS A HARD THING TO DO …. IT IS A WORK IN PROGRESS BUT I AM DOING IT!