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Panic

d972fc0bad532f6bf7634c05cc784d1dLast night my daughter and I are sitting in the car after the gym.  I asked her if I could post on Facebook that we just had a great workout. As I turned to look at her all the sudden I had a muscle spasm in my neck. I usually get them when I yawn and they last for about 10 seconds. I can’t breathe and it is weird as fuck. This all  started  happening after I had one of my spine surgery spine surgery 2 years ago. It’s usually no big deal. Last night was horrendous.  My face muscles froze up as well as neck  my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk and it seemed like it lasted forever. The tears started rolling down my eyes. At this point I don’t know what to do so I panicked. I grabbed onto my daughters arm and squeeze tight with all my might. She started to panic and asked me if she should call Dad. I couldn’t even respond. I felt hopeless and helpless. I never want my daughter to feel that way. It probably only lasted for 30 seconds but it seemed like hours in my mind. When it stopped it felt like I’ve been underwater for five minutes because I was gasping for air. My neck and face hurt so bad it felt like someone choked me out. I felt on fire.  I had to sit in the car for a few minutes and regroup.  I didn’t even want to drive I was scared to turn on the car. What if I happens again when I’m driving home down the road with my daughter and I killed someone, us. The doctors told me that things like this we’re going to start happening to me and I didn’t want to believe them. Well it’s happening and it’s scaring the fuck out of me. I made it home safe and sound. I took a deep breath of fresh air when I pulled into the driveway. I sent my daughter into our house to get my husband and then I broke down in the car.  I sobbed my eyes out.   I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of what will happen. Today as I sit here typing this, my throat hurts. It’s so sore. It hurt all morning as I talked to people. I just want to go crawl in my bed and hide. But instead I got up. I went to the gym and now I’m going to get some work done. No one really knows what goes on with me on a daily basis. I hide it all.  I even hide a lot from my husband. Does he see the silent tears that roll down my face as we lay there in the darkness at night?  Does he hear my plea for help from a highpower? I paste a fake smile on and I act like there’s nothing wrong. When really inside I’m dying a little each day. I’m trying to make the best out of it. Trying not to let anyone see the broken me. At the same time I’m trying to fix myself it’s so confusing.  Brick by brick I am trying to build myself back up. I am always in fight or flight mode.