Marriage

Marriage

What happens in a marriage when one person grows and the other does not? When you do not grow together but further apart. When there is no communication. When you have absolutely no clue how to talk to the other half of your life no matter how hard you try or what approach you take.  What does one do?  At what point do you give up being sick of walking on eggshells when the other one comes home. When is enough, enough?  

When you love someone with all your heart / soul and you are giving 90% to a relationship and they are giving 10% how long is that acceptable.  How long are you capable of giving that much or oneself before you get burnt out. 

You and I have been through so much. So much trauma,things that couples should never have to go through and yet we did . We did it. We made it to the other side. Our kids are getting older and our life a little easier.  Or so that is what I thought!!!

 So what if I wanted to change and be a better person. So what if I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I took my life back.  That I worked so hard to become healthy again, to find myself again.

You know, because I had lost me while I was raising our children, being a wife and a mother fucking pin cushion for this disease that I have. After all this time and effort I have put into this family while you leave and go to work everyday.  I am so appreciative for that but yet you use it as an excuse for everything.  An excuse to hide . To hide from life and your family.  To hide from your feelings. To hide from actually living. You just go through the motions.

Life is not just about work. It is about love , laughter and relationships. Building each other up. Creating goals together. Making plans for when the last child leaves the house and preparing for our grand babies. Marriage takes work. It is not a convince . It is something sacred, Something to be cherished, always. Something that needs to be worked on on just like anything else in this world that you want to last.  I want us to last. Why do you make loving you so hard.

I’m so scared and i hate to admit it but its true.  I made the decision that this will be my last operation. i can’t take anymore. Not to sure what will or how fast my disease will get worse but I wanted us to be happy until the end.  I wanted things to be simple.  I want to hold hands and walk in the woods. I want to listen to the wind blow at the top of the mountain. I want to share so much with ou before I can not..

WHy? Why? Why? Why can’t you see this? 

How can I make you understand what is going on inside my head,  I can’t . 

I have tried so many times. So many different ways.  

I’m finally lost!

But in losing myself I have had to look at some hard truths. 

We will never be enough for you and we will never make you happy. Happiness comes from within. That is something that you must find on your own.

Yet even as my heart is  broken I want to be in your arms where I belong.  

Why can’t you see that I am worth fighting for. Your family is worth fighting for.  Why can’t you see that you are worth fighting for.  Where did we get so lost. 

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Do you have a tribe?

Do you have a tribe?

👉Community
👉A feeling of belonging
👉Be unapologetically you
👉A feeling of never being judged
This is what we have. 
A tribe, friendship, a sisterhood , a family of beautiful women who make you feel invincible.

We are always building one another up.

Love love love
So lucky to have this in my life 


So much love❤️❤️❤️❤️, laughter and positive vibes in room it
literally renews my life.
My vision just becomes so much more attainable. 

 

Since these ladies have come into my life I have done things that I never imagined I would accomplish in  my life time.  I am constantly working on self growth and making my goals bigger and bigger. 

I never imagined having a feeling of belonging  would change me in so many positive ways .

Do you have a community?

Do have a feeling of belonging ?

What makes you grow?

 

Things Change

Things Change

After going to this last strongcamp in New York my goals changed…

The women I met there were amazing. 100 different women from around the country.  I took so much away from this weekend but I also let things go. TAKE NO SHIT, DO NO HARM.  I let go of the anger and some of my “sickness”.   I needed to realize that i can not control every situation and I do not have to react.  I just have to start listen. Listening is probably one of the hardest things for me because i just want to fix other peoples problems right away. I can always see a solution or how to put your first foot forward. I think that is because I have had to put my life together over and over . The greatest compliment that I recieved over the weekend was that I was a natural caretaker and nurturer. I have never thought of myself like this before. It was so nice to see in a different light.  

We had the pleasure of going on a small hike in the woods. It was one of the most powerful things I have ever done in my life. 

I no longer want to do a fitness competition to walk across stage for 9 seconds… It is just not me.. Plus I am having my surgery in December and I do not want to be that strict with myself.    I am going to work on my mindset and just staying strong.  Don’t get me wrong maybe I will do a show in  months to a year it is just not for me at this time.  I felt like i was not giving it my all and that is not okay.  I have many physical limitations and it sometimes discourages me but I am not giving up just changing my agenda. 

I realize I am not like everyone else I am different and thats ok. 

Photo Credit goes to

@STRONGFitnessmag @STRONGCAMP @liz_cort_fitness_ and photo by @paulbuceta