What happens in a marriage when one person grows and the other does not? When you do not grow together but further apart. When there is no communication. When you have absolutely no clue how to talk to the other half of your life no matter how hard you try or what approach you take. What does one do? At what point do you give up being sick of walking on eggshells when the other one comes home. When is enough, enough?
When you love someone with all your heart / soul and you are giving 90% to a relationship and they are giving 10% how long is that acceptable. How long are you capable of giving that much or oneself before you get burnt out.
You and I have been through so much. So much trauma,things that couples should never have to go through and yet we did . We did it. We made it to the other side. Our kids are getting older and our life a little easier. Or so that is what I thought!!!
So what if I wanted to change and be a better person. So what if I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and I took my life back. That I worked so hard to become healthy again, to find myself again.
You know, because I had lost me while I was raising our children, being a wife and a mother fucking pin cushion for this disease that I have. After all this time and effort I have put into this family while you leave and go to work everyday. I am so appreciative for that but yet you use it as an excuse for everything. An excuse to hide . To hide from life and your family. To hide from your feelings. To hide from actually living. You just go through the motions.
Life is not just about work. It is about love , laughter and relationships. Building each other up. Creating goals together. Making plans for when the last child leaves the house and preparing for our grand babies. Marriage takes work. It is not a convince . It is something sacred, Something to be cherished, always. Something that needs to be worked on on just like anything else in this world that you want to last. I want us to last. Why do you make loving you so hard.
I’m so scared and i hate to admit it but its true. I made the decision that this will be my last operation. i can’t take anymore. Not to sure what will or how fast my disease will get worse but I wanted us to be happy until the end. I wanted things to be simple. I want to hold hands and walk in the woods. I want to listen to the wind blow at the top of the mountain. I want to share so much with ou before I can not..
WHy? Why? Why? Why can’t you see this?
How can I make you understand what is going on inside my head, I can’t .
I have tried so many times. So many different ways.
I’m finally lost!
But in losing myself I have had to look at some hard truths.
We will never be enough for you and we will never make you happy. Happiness comes from within. That is something that you must find on your own.
Yet even as my heart is broken I want to be in your arms where I belong.
Why can’t you see that I am worth fighting for. Your family is worth fighting for. Why can’t you see that you are worth fighting for. Where did we get so lost.