Chronic pain · DISH Disease · Family · Fitness · Isagenix · Life Coach · My Journey · Pain · Setbacks · Spine Surgery · Uncategorized

Isabody Challenge Essay

 

This is the essay I just wrote for My isabody challeng. It’s not that great. let me know what you guys think.

 

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was time to take back control of my
life. How had I become so lost? In September of 2016, I decided, enough was enough. I
was determined to become healthy, even if it killed me. I started walking every day,
telling myself, “baby steps”. I lost 40 pounds on my own before I made the phone call in
January 2017, to my inspirational friend Sarah, who had been on Isagenix for a few
months. I had been secretly stalking her on social media and I knew I needed help. At
170, I hit a plateau and still had no energy. Never asking for help has always been my
downfall and I have always put others before me. Making Carie a priority and giving her
some self-love was very difficult at first for me to do.
The first day of the rest of my life was filled with so much energy that it was hard
to believe. I had to ask myself, “Is it all just a dream???” No Carie, this is now your
reality and you are so worth it. On the first day on Isagenix, I headed straight to the gym
to meet Sarah. Weightlifting and cardio kickboxing was on that day’s agenda. In my
rush, I neglected to take my morning medication. Sarah was delivering my first box of
products that I ordered from her and I still had doubts about it working. I knew it couldn’t
make my life any worse because the last 10 years had been filled with chronic pain. As
we walked to her car, exhausted from the effects of no pain medications, I ripped open
my magic box and tore into a Lemon Passion Crunch Isalean Bar. It was delicious. I
wasn’t so tired anymore. That same day I took my two dogs for a walk, had a Isagenix
Shake, and went back to the gym with my daughter because I was full of energy. After
the first week, I thought there was no way these products were real. They couldn’t have
changed the way I felt that quick because I had been in a bad place physically and
mentally for so long.Things were so stressful. I was angry at the world and I had lost
myself. I knew I never wanted to lose myself again.
On January 29, my oldest son entered a rehabilitation program for drugs and
alcohol. It was time to focus on my 14 year old daughter, my husband and myself. I
needed to focus on Carie first and it started with stepping outside the box, a challenge.
On February 6, I joined the Isabody challenge. The end date was perfect for me
because it happened to be the 1 year anniversary from my last spine surgery, where I
weighed 210 lbs. I have had 20 surgeries in 10 years, 9 which have been on my spine.
I am at an advanced stage of an incurable disease called diffuse idiopathic skeletal
hyperostosis. In short, it calcifies my ligaments, grows bone spurs on my joints and
sometimes paralyzes me. I have never let it stop me and never will. This challenge was so important for me because it was going to push me to a whole new level.
Having many health issues over the years, I had not been eating properly for a
long time. Breakfast was a meal I avoided. Over the last four months, my lifestyle has
changed I now start my day with an Isalean shake and my ionic supreme (Happy Juice).
In the last 13 years, my family was lucky if I cooked one meal a month because it
caused me so pain. Now, I cook every night and I am so proud of myself.
I have had so many firsts in the last four months, I have stopped counting. I
finally know what I want to be when I grow up; a life coach. I love helping others
become healthy and I’m now doing that every single day; building a team. I want to help
those who suffer from chronic pain and let them know they do not have to live the way I
have lived for the last 12 years. That with a proper nutrition program and exercise,
things can change. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but it is going to be so worth it.
I want to take you from the couch into the land of the living again because that was my
life for so long. When you are lost, I want to help you find your spark. Someone very
special showed me that light in Isagenix and its tribe of people and I want to do the
same for others. I want to help others find their light and let them know, that they too,
can become the best version of themselves. Isagenix has completely changed my life,
in more ways than I ever could have imagined. Most importantly, I have finally found
myself after so many years of feeling so lost and I could not be more thankful for the life
changing opportunities Isagenix has given me. I am loving life and could not be more
excited for what the future holds.

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Daughter · DISH Disease · Family · Fitness · Husband · Love · Muscle Spasms · My Journey · Pain · Setbacks · Spine Surgery · Surgery · Uncategorized

Panic

d972fc0bad532f6bf7634c05cc784d1dLast night my daughter and I are sitting in the car after the gym.  I asked her if I could post on Facebook that we just had a great workout. As I turned to look at her all the sudden I had a muscle spasm in my neck. I usually get them when I yawn and they last for about 10 seconds. I can’t breathe and it is weird as fuck. This all  started  happening after I had one of my spine surgery spine surgery 2 years ago. It’s usually no big deal. Last night was horrendous.  My face muscles froze up as well as neck  my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk and it seemed like it lasted forever. The tears started rolling down my eyes. At this point I don’t know what to do so I panicked. I grabbed onto my daughters arm and squeeze tight with all my might. She started to panic and asked me if she should call Dad. I couldn’t even respond. I felt hopeless and helpless. I never want my daughter to feel that way. It probably only lasted for 30 seconds but it seemed like hours in my mind. When it stopped it felt like I’ve been underwater for five minutes because I was gasping for air. My neck and face hurt so bad it felt like someone choked me out. I felt on fire.  I had to sit in the car for a few minutes and regroup.  I didn’t even want to drive I was scared to turn on the car. What if I happens again when I’m driving home down the road with my daughter and I killed someone, us. The doctors told me that things like this we’re going to start happening to me and I didn’t want to believe them. Well it’s happening and it’s scaring the fuck out of me. I made it home safe and sound. I took a deep breath of fresh air when I pulled into the driveway. I sent my daughter into our house to get my husband and then I broke down in the car.  I sobbed my eyes out.   I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of what will happen. Today as I sit here typing this, my throat hurts. It’s so sore. It hurt all morning as I talked to people. I just want to go crawl in my bed and hide. But instead I got up. I went to the gym and now I’m going to get some work done. No one really knows what goes on with me on a daily basis. I hide it all.  I even hide a lot from my husband. Does he see the silent tears that roll down my face as we lay there in the darkness at night?  Does he hear my plea for help from a highpower? I paste a fake smile on and I act like there’s nothing wrong. When really inside I’m dying a little each day. I’m trying to make the best out of it. Trying not to let anyone see the broken me. At the same time I’m trying to fix myself it’s so confusing.  Brick by brick I am trying to build myself back up. I am always in fight or flight mode. 

Children · Chronic pain · DISH Disease · Family · Lost · My Journey · Setbacks · Uncategorized

Thoughts

58bcdbde5138c0c786cb1952d95e35edToday My son and his girlfriend brought me to have a Lido-cane infusion at the hospital. I swear that stuff is like truth serum if they only used it on criminals things would go so much easier.  It takes about an hour for it to go into my system and one of the nurses has to sit with you the whole time.I really love the nurses there. They care and it is a one on one counseling session for a whole hour.   I completely lost it while i was laying there in that sterile hospital bed. I started to sob like i have not done in so long.  I am having such a hard time accepting that eventually I will be paralyzed. I try never to say it or even to think about it for that matter but it has been weighed on my mind. I am so fucking scared.   They had my 19-year-old son come in and hold my hand to calm me down and we cried together.    He reminded me that he has seen me a lot worse that i was today and that even if I am paralyzed I will find a way to succeed.  At one point he told me what an amazing person I am because of how I always help other people and now it is time to let other people help me.  He said, ” Mom people alway praise how great my brother, sister and I am.” ” We did not get like this on our own. You did it.  You raised us to be this way and it takes one hell of a strong women to go thru what you have been thru and still have amazing kids.”       He kept wiping my tears off my cheeks.  In my mind I was thinking how I was the luckiest mother on the planet to have this exceptional child. What did I do to deserve these kick ass kids.  Don’t get me wrong they push my buttons sometimes but I would not change anything about them.    My son made everything all better. I wish that it could have been my mom sitting there holding my hand telling me that everything will be alright. In my heart I know that it will be but I just wish my Nana was still alive so she could make me a cup of tea and call me her angel pie once more.  

I have so many emotions running through my head.  When we got home from the hospital I took a nap then my best friend came to see me. We made the dreaded list that I have been putting off forever. At 40 years old who wants to have to go see a lawyer about writing a will, not me.  I need to go talk to my foster parents about some of my financial concerns and fix my medical proxy again.   I remember 11 years ago when they first explained this disease to me I could not wrap my head around it so I had to make my best friend my medical proxy. There is no way I could ask my husband to bear the burden of pulling the plug. I do not even think that he would. He loves me so much that he would keep\ me alive forever. I just fucking hate this bone disease. To know that is going to fuse all my joints together slowly but surly. It is happening so rapidly in my spine to me having a spine operation is like getting your oil changed in your car.  I never really tell anyone how I feel, You who read this are the only ones that know.

This weekend we are taking the kids to the mountains to our little getaway place.  I want to move there.  I am going to ride my 4-wheeler to my favorite spot and enjoy the silence.  Take some fabulous photos.  I am going to bust out my new chainsaw and cut up wood just because I can.  I love that thing. My neighbor up there calls me skidder Bitch. I think it is a riot.  Then if I am still stressed out I am going to get out my rifle that i bought myself that has barely any kick back and do some target practice.  Most of all I am going to enjoy the time with my family and just be.  This will be the first time in a year that my 22-year-old step son has been up to our place.  He has six months clean and sober and I am so fucking proud of him.  I love that kid to the moon and back.   My daughter is going to be riding her new dirt bike she got for Christmas for the first time I am wicked excited for that. I can’t wait to ride it either.  We are also taking my friend’s son who is 14. He is having some problems in and out of school. I am hoping to talk to him so i can find out what is going on before he takes the road that I traveled when I was his age.  I love that we disconnect from the world when we are there since there is no phone service or internet. It is great for the kids!!!1525638_10151883404020848_1666749687_n

Birthday · Chronic pain · Family · Love · My Journey · Uncategorized

My 40 Birthday

Today is my birthday and I’m turning 40.  40 is the new 20. A year ago if you asked me how I felt about turning 40 I would have said sad, down, and depressed One more year goes by that I’m full pain.This year I feel healthy, yes the pain is still there, but its not all that I focus on anymore. I’m focusing on creating a new me. Its like I’ve become a whole new person. Every time I look in the mirror I see someone new staring back at me. I sometimes can’t believe that it is really me. I’ve lost 70 pounds .I’ve gained some muscle mass and I look healthy. I know its been hard on my family having the new me because now I’m full of energy. Where before I lived my life basically on the couch. I feel like my brain was in a fog and I was just getting by day to day. I was not really living. When I think back I realized how much I do not remember. I don’t remember a lot of my daughter growing up even though she lived in the same house. She’s 14 now and I don’t remember a lot of things. I have the pictures to prove that I was there. That I did the best that I could but its sad how the pain blocked on my memories.  So this year I’m going to make new memories with her and they will be in printed on my brain for the rest of my life. I’m going to make sure of that. Its been a rough journey. I’ve lost a lot of friends over the last year but then again where they really friends or just acquaintances. My old friends are still they’re the ones I’ve had for like 20 plus years just the new ones I gained while i was sick have started to do dwindle off.  We are just not that close anymore. Its okay they are just not meant to be in my new life.

So Happy Birthday to me. I am going to treat myself to a spa day. I deserve that.

“I’m on the hunt for who I’ve not yet become”

Family · Love · Mother's Day · My Journey · Strongcamp · Surgery · Uncategorized

Strongcamp NewEngland

STRONG…. What does that word mean to me? This was a question that I was asked over the weekend by an amazing talented women named Stacie Venagro.    When I look at what I wrote down at the time I was asked this question I feel like my definition of what strong means has changed….  I first wrote,  STRONG was the last 35 years of my life getting here to this very moment sitting on this floor answering this question.  STRONG means getting thru and over coming anything put in my path.  When the odds are stacked against me that I can come out on top. Strong is raising my kids with great values. To be kind, caring, respectful and to stand up for others when they are week.  My whole life has been a struggle. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  STRONG MEANS- giving my strength to others when they need it.  Never give up. There is always a way and a solution, you just have to find it.  Find the positive in every situation. My cup is always half full.  Life is mind over matter…   Before today this was my definition of strong.  After some deep down soul searching with some incredible inspirational women I realized that my definition of strong may have changed.

STRONG means being vulnerable is okay… It is okay to let others see you cry and to show your emotions. That I can be weak sometimes.  Lean on me….. And in the words of Bill Withers ,

“Sometimes in our lives
We all have pain, we all have sorrow.
But if we are wise,
We know that there’s always tomorrow.

Lean on me when you’re not strong
I’ll be your friend, I’ll help you carry on
For it won’t be long
‘Til I’m gonna need somebody to lean on.

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you won’t let show.

You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on.
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand,
We all need somebody to lean on.”

It was very difficult for me to open up and trust a strange group of women.  It was an awkward experience for me because I do not trust others. As uncomfortable as it was, it felt so rewarding. Uplifting and empowering.   I let my brick wall down and the positive energy of the universe came flooding in, I felt like I was on top of the world. This is what every women should feel like.. We all need our tribe, some one to lean on.37101350fc23c6e1d8e21d88eca86392

Addiction · Chronic pain · Family · Fitness · Love · Uncategorized

Strongcamp

110533_20130813_210331_black.squareI took you with me little bird!!! Your wings were clipped to soon. Don’t worry I carried on my back and held on to you with all my might.  I thought of you every step of the way. You smile, your laughter your tears your never ending pain don’t worry little bird I have your back. I did not let you down my friend.   I did what you could not but would have.. Don’t worry I will make him proud. I have your back little bird, I will take away his frown. I will make sure he knows how hard you fought but that you had to go.  Just know you are always with me little bird I will never let you down.

I LOVE YOU JESS!!!!

Chronic pain · DISH Disease · Family · Surgery · Uncategorized

Road Blocks

Yesterday I sat thru a 3 hour long MRI by the time I was done I was in so much pain.  Laying in the same position sucked ass.   It was for my whole spine and I honestly do not even want to know what the results are.  I have been feeling amazing for the last 6 months and I feel like the higher powers that be are teasing me.  I know that I am going to need another operation I can honestly feel that something is off.   My perception of things is off it is like there is someone back there pulling strings with my spinal cord.  How do I tell my family that I am worried. I don’t…  I sit here and suffer in silence alone because this will be my 11 spine surgery.   After my last spine surgery in May 2016 I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  So I started to exercise slowly .  Each and everyday I dragged my self out of the house to walk.  Then I changes my eating habits boy what an incredible difference that made.  I joined this program with an accountability group and found an amazing group of women, I love it!!! I went from 210 ponds to 145 in 9 months… I have a ton more energy and my pain level cut down as well…. But

On the outside I look fine. Do I look sick.  No I do not.  But what exactly does sick look like. People are so judgmental too.  It’s like I need to walk around with a big sign that says hey “I am fucked up!”    My friends do not understand and sometimes I do not have the patience to explain anything to them anymore.   I have told them all time and time again that I have a disease that there is no cure for. They just do not get it.  When I have to cancel plans at the last minute because I am in pain and I know that doing what ever we are going to be doing is going to wreck me they get pissed off and take it personally.  Or if I am having a rough day and they are negative I do not want to hang out with them because I need positive people in my life.  I need people to lift me up not bring me down. I can bring myself down all by myself. I have lost a ton of friends over the years but then again were they really true friends?  I guess not.

When it rains out my whole entire body aches and I want to stay in bed.  It takes every ounce of will power that I have to get out. I AM MY OWN CHEERING SQUAD…   I ache the whole day everyday.  No one knows the struggles I go thru on a daily basis but then again I do not know their struggles either.   To push thru the days is all mind over matter because most of the medicines do not work any more and my brain is so much more powerful.  I have been doing so well and now the higher powers gave me a giant ROADBLOCK.  That is okay. I can get passed it.  I have before and I just need to keep remembering all that I have overcome.

Children · Dad · Family · Love

Dear Dad

I wrote this on Jan 23, 2015. I really wish I could just send it to him.

 

Dear Dad,
Yesterday at 6:08 p.m. I sat with your father, my grandfather and held his hand while he passed on to another life. I am pretty honored to have been there with him and your sister , my aunt when passed on peacefully.  After you left all kinds of thought went running through my head.  It’s been along time dad. Not really sure why we do not talk and why you do not know the strong daughter you have or the incredible grandchildren.  I get it raising kids is so hard. Probably the hardest thing that any person will ever do. The greatest accomplishment in life.  Things do not always go as planned , we make mistakes, we fuck up. That is why there is this thing called forgiveness and second chances. I do not and will never regret anything that has happened in my life. It has made me the women that I have become today and I am pretty fucking proud of her. You might want to know what makes up this women, how did she become the person she is? Well I had a great set of parents when I was younger. You guys were so not perfect but relationship and child manuals have yet to be made, so you struggle along.  Dad, if nothing else, if you never read this I just want you to know that I remember everything you ever taught me. The love for nature, your passion for sports, hardworking ethic, never to give up just keep on trucking.  I think of when you first taught me how to play baseball, I use to break dance in the outfield. I couldn’t even hit the ball off the tee.  I can still here you yelling at me to pay attention , hands on your knees.   Did you know that if I had stayed in high school I would have had a full ride to college for softball.  I pitched the fasted, threw the hardest and hit the longest. All because of you dad.   I remember following you in the woods, like a little minion. Learning every tree, every leave, all the nuts. What to eat and what was poisonous . How to make a shelter out of nature and keep it rain tight. Teaching me how to track, stay down wind of your prey.  Because of you teaching me how not to get lost in the woods , I have never been lost in life. I can always find my way back to the path.  I know that things were tough when your daughters started growing up. I know that you secretly  wished we were boys and I am sorry we are not.   I can completely understand how and why my parents got divorced.  Relationships are hard work, you need lots of communication. people need to be a united front when raising children. You learn from ones parents, they were your example. Your parents fucked up too. Each generation has to break the cycle ,take the good from their elders and add their own.   My sisters and I were just kids, we looked to you for guidance and understanding. It was not our fault that mom and you did not make it. One makes their own decisions decides ones own fate.   For along time I blamed myself for your problems and your faults. I had to justify why all of the sudden I was your little minion and then when things got tough you guys just gave up.  I do not blame myself anymore for I was just a child.  I forgave you both a long time ago. I gave up my anger and hatred.  Do you know that it has been over 20 years since I have had my dad in my life. That is a long time but it is never too late.   I wish I knew why you don’t love me anymore , deep inside I am still your little girl.  It was so hard to see you and not know what went wrong. Why you talk to my younger sisters but not me.  I have no clue how to fix it. I have reached out several times and never had anything back.   I can’t reach out anymore, I am tired and have an illness that is just tearing me up inside. I have to focus my attention on my family because who knows how long I am destined for this earth.  If nothing else Dad, if we never have a relationship again I want you to know how much I love you.  I remember everything.

With all my love,
Daughter.