As I took a picture this morning to send to my friend , she wanted to see how my spray tan came out, I saw a how flawed my body was. I was a spray tan virgin until I had my cherry popped yesterday😂😂😂. As you can imagine from having all the surgeries that I’ve had I’m full of scars and my body is disproportionate. When you look at me my left side of my body it is higher than the right .It bothers me because it makes one of my breasts hang lower than the other. In the scheme of things it really doesn’t matter because I can still walk. As a woman mentally sometimes it fucks with my head. It’s because I am missing ribs on the right side and I have a titanium one this makes me off kilter. Everytime I look in the mirror I focus on that horrible year in my life of the operations ,rehabs, suffering and infections. I need to make new memories which I’m trying to do. It’s not like when I see the stretch marks on my belly and I think wow I have two beautiful children and I’m blessed. And although my back is scarred from one end to the other I don’t see it that often. I think it’s ugly but I’m starting to replace it with beautiful muscles. Body Images something that I struggle with because it was ingrained in my mind as a child from my father that you had to be perfect and I was just never good enough. Today I’m just blessed I can walk and I’m thankful for the small things in life but this morning when I took that picture it just hit me a little hard. I sometimes wonder what other women have for body image issues. do they see what I see when they look in the mirror?
This is the essay I just wrote for My isabody challeng. It’s not that great. let me know what you guys think.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. It was time to take back control of my
life. How had I become so lost? In September of 2016, I decided, enough was enough. I
was determined to become healthy, even if it killed me. I started walking every day,
telling myself, “baby steps”. I lost 40 pounds on my own before I made the phone call in
January 2017, to my inspirational friend Sarah, who had been on Isagenix for a few
months. I had been secretly stalking her on social media and I knew I needed help. At
170, I hit a plateau and still had no energy. Never asking for help has always been my
downfall and I have always put others before me. Making Carie a priority and giving her
some self-love was very difficult at first for me to do.
The first day of the rest of my life was filled with so much energy that it was hard
to believe. I had to ask myself, “Is it all just a dream???” No Carie, this is now your
reality and you are so worth it. On the first day on Isagenix, I headed straight to the gym
to meet Sarah. Weightlifting and cardio kickboxing was on that day’s agenda. In my
rush, I neglected to take my morning medication. Sarah was delivering my first box of
products that I ordered from her and I still had doubts about it working. I knew it couldn’t
make my life any worse because the last 10 years had been filled with chronic pain. As
we walked to her car, exhausted from the effects of no pain medications, I ripped open
my magic box and tore into a Lemon Passion Crunch Isalean Bar. It was delicious. I
wasn’t so tired anymore. That same day I took my two dogs for a walk, had a Isagenix
Shake, and went back to the gym with my daughter because I was full of energy. After
the first week, I thought there was no way these products were real. They couldn’t have
changed the way I felt that quick because I had been in a bad place physically and
mentally for so long.Things were so stressful. I was angry at the world and I had lost
myself. I knew I never wanted to lose myself again.
On January 29, my oldest son entered a rehabilitation program for drugs and
alcohol. It was time to focus on my 14 year old daughter, my husband and myself. I
needed to focus on Carie first and it started with stepping outside the box, a challenge.
On February 6, I joined the Isabody challenge. The end date was perfect for me
because it happened to be the 1 year anniversary from my last spine surgery, where I
weighed 210 lbs. I have had 20 surgeries in 10 years, 9 which have been on my spine.
I am at an advanced stage of an incurable disease called diffuse idiopathic skeletal
hyperostosis. In short, it calcifies my ligaments, grows bone spurs on my joints and
sometimes paralyzes me. I have never let it stop me and never will. This challenge was so important for me because it was going to push me to a whole new level.
Having many health issues over the years, I had not been eating properly for a
long time. Breakfast was a meal I avoided. Over the last four months, my lifestyle has
changed I now start my day with an Isalean shake and my ionic supreme (Happy Juice).
In the last 13 years, my family was lucky if I cooked one meal a month because it
caused me so pain. Now, I cook every night and I am so proud of myself.
I have had so many firsts in the last four months, I have stopped counting. I
finally know what I want to be when I grow up; a life coach. I love helping others
become healthy and I’m now doing that every single day; building a team. I want to help
those who suffer from chronic pain and let them know they do not have to live the way I
have lived for the last 12 years. That with a proper nutrition program and exercise,
things can change. I am not saying it is going to be easy, but it is going to be so worth it.
I want to take you from the couch into the land of the living again because that was my
life for so long. When you are lost, I want to help you find your spark. Someone very
special showed me that light in Isagenix and its tribe of people and I want to do the
same for others. I want to help others find their light and let them know, that they too,
can become the best version of themselves. Isagenix has completely changed my life,
in more ways than I ever could have imagined. Most importantly, I have finally found
myself after so many years of feeling so lost and I could not be more thankful for the life
changing opportunities Isagenix has given me. I am loving life and could not be more
excited for what the future holds.
Last night my daughter and I are sitting in the car after the gym. I asked her if I could post on Facebook that we just had a great workout. As I turned to look at her all the sudden I had a muscle spasm in my neck. I usually get them when I yawn and they last for about 10 seconds. I can’t breathe and it is weird as fuck. This all started happening after I had one of my spine surgery spine surgery 2 years ago. It’s usually no big deal. Last night was horrendous. My face muscles froze up as well as neck my chest. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t talk and it seemed like it lasted forever. The tears started rolling down my eyes. At this point I don’t know what to do so I panicked. I grabbed onto my daughters arm and squeeze tight with all my might. She started to panic and asked me if she should call Dad. I couldn’t even respond. I felt hopeless and helpless. I never want my daughter to feel that way. It probably only lasted for 30 seconds but it seemed like hours in my mind. When it stopped it felt like I’ve been underwater for five minutes because I was gasping for air. My neck and face hurt so bad it felt like someone choked me out. I felt on fire. I had to sit in the car for a few minutes and regroup. I didn’t even want to drive I was scared to turn on the car. What if I happens again when I’m driving home down the road with my daughter and I killed someone, us. The doctors told me that things like this we’re going to start happening to me and I didn’t want to believe them. Well it’s happening and it’s scaring the fuck out of me. I made it home safe and sound. I took a deep breath of fresh air when I pulled into the driveway. I sent my daughter into our house to get my husband and then I broke down in the car. I sobbed my eyes out. I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared of what will happen. Today as I sit here typing this, my throat hurts. It’s so sore. It hurt all morning as I talked to people. I just want to go crawl in my bed and hide. But instead I got up. I went to the gym and now I’m going to get some work done. No one really knows what goes on with me on a daily basis. I hide it all. I even hide a lot from my husband. Does he see the silent tears that roll down my face as we lay there in the darkness at night? Does he hear my plea for help from a highpower? I paste a fake smile on and I act like there’s nothing wrong. When really inside I’m dying a little each day. I’m trying to make the best out of it. Trying not to let anyone see the broken me. At the same time I’m trying to fix myself it’s so confusing. Brick by brick I am trying to build myself back up. I am always in fight or flight mode.
Today My son and his girlfriend brought me to have a Lido-cane infusion at the hospital. I swear that stuff is like truth serum if they only used it on criminals things would go so much easier. It takes about an hour for it to go into my system and one of the nurses has to sit with you the whole time.I really love the nurses there. They care and it is a one on one counseling session for a whole hour. I completely lost it while i was laying there in that sterile hospital bed. I started to sob like i have not done in so long. I am having such a hard time accepting that eventually I will be paralyzed. I try never to say it or even to think about it for that matter but it has been weighed on my mind. I am so fucking scared. They had my 19-year-old son come in and hold my hand to calm me down and we cried together. He reminded me that he has seen me a lot worse that i was today and that even if I am paralyzed I will find a way to succeed. At one point he told me what an amazing person I am because of how I always help other people and now it is time to let other people help me. He said, ” Mom people alway praise how great my brother, sister and I am.” ” We did not get like this on our own. You did it. You raised us to be this way and it takes one hell of a strong women to go thru what you have been thru and still have amazing kids.” He kept wiping my tears off my cheeks. In my mind I was thinking how I was the luckiest mother on the planet to have this exceptional child. What did I do to deserve these kick ass kids. Don’t get me wrong they push my buttons sometimes but I would not change anything about them. My son made everything all better. I wish that it could have been my mom sitting there holding my hand telling me that everything will be alright. In my heart I know that it will be but I just wish my Nana was still alive so she could make me a cup of tea and call me her angel pie once more.
I have so many emotions running through my head. When we got home from the hospital I took a nap then my best friend came to see me. We made the dreaded list that I have been putting off forever. At 40 years old who wants to have to go see a lawyer about writing a will, not me. I need to go talk to my foster parents about some of my financial concerns and fix my medical proxy again. I remember 11 years ago when they first explained this disease to me I could not wrap my head around it so I had to make my best friend my medical proxy. There is no way I could ask my husband to bear the burden of pulling the plug. I do not even think that he would. He loves me so much that he would keep\ me alive forever. I just fucking hate this bone disease. To know that is going to fuse all my joints together slowly but surly. It is happening so rapidly in my spine to me having a spine operation is like getting your oil changed in your car. I never really tell anyone how I feel, You who read this are the only ones that know.
This weekend we are taking the kids to the mountains to our little getaway place. I want to move there. I am going to ride my 4-wheeler to my favorite spot and enjoy the silence. Take some fabulous photos. I am going to bust out my new chainsaw and cut up wood just because I can. I love that thing. My neighbor up there calls me skidder Bitch. I think it is a riot. Then if I am still stressed out I am going to get out my rifle that i bought myself that has barely any kick back and do some target practice. Most of all I am going to enjoy the time with my family and just be. This will be the first time in a year that my 22-year-old step son has been up to our place. He has six months clean and sober and I am so fucking proud of him. I love that kid to the moon and back. My daughter is going to be riding her new dirt bike she got for Christmas for the first time I am wicked excited for that. I can’t wait to ride it either. We are also taking my friend’s son who is 14. He is having some problems in and out of school. I am hoping to talk to him so i can find out what is going on before he takes the road that I traveled when I was his age. I love that we disconnect from the world when we are there since there is no phone service or internet. It is great for the kids!!!
I’m not sure how I’m going to do it yet but I am you going to do it. I will get it done. Not sure how much more I can handle with out falling apart . I think I’m about to break. I’m about to explode inside. I just need to escape. Not that escaping fixes anything but I just feel like I need time to breathe. So I knew that the news wasn’t going to be good news but it sure wasn’t what I expected. I wasn’t expecting that I needed my neck operated on again. I’ll admit that I’m scared. Scared of the unknown. Scared that I won’t continue to be healthy and heal again. But I know that I’m strong so I’ll bounce back. What truly scares me the most is not being able to read and write after my surgery. The last surgery I had it took 3 weeks for me to be able to read and write again .So this time I imagine it will be even longer and I hate being not being able to read and write. It’s the only form of communication I have when I can’t talk . Having that taken away from me, it feels like I lose my power. Maybe I’ll have to take up sign language. So now knowing that I need my neck operated on top of the fact that the next step down from that will be my thoracic spine because that has bone spurs growing into my spinal cord. He also told me that my lower spine has lost all its disc height and there’s no more fluid left. That it’s starting to fuse together on its own there’s nothing they can do about it expect give me some steroid shots for the pain which that’s useless. So I’ll just continue to exercise and do ab workouts to strengthen my muscles so that way all the pressure is not on my bones. It is so hard to stay positive when all of this stress is weighing down on my mind. Which makes the simplest of simplest tasks that much more difficult. My brain is constantly going a hundred miles an hour . I can’t even focus. Then all the stress it puts on my family. What are they going through? What’s in their minds. My husband has a hard time communicating on how he feels which to me is a problem because I really want to know what he thinks about it. Obviously I’m going to go into my next surgery more prepared. Each time I have a surgery I’m more prepared than I was the last time . I have a team of people in place that are amazing. With them I put together my rehab, visiting nurses, my plans, my living will, (in case something happens). I have a medical proxy and I have a pain team in place. At this point I’m stronger than I’ve ever been going into an operation. I feel the healthiest I’ve ever been. My recovery time should be pretty quick. I’m just so scared of the unknown. I’m trying not to focus on the what ifs. How do you explain to your friends what’s going on in your mind. You just can’t. I don’t want to hear the I’m Sorry’s or I feel so bad for you. I don’t want people to Pity Me. I just want to surround myself with positive outgoing people. People who want to strive to do the best they can do when all the odds are stacked against them.
And me being the nut that I am, I asked a neurosurgeon if I can run a marathon. He told me no but I can do 2 to four mile runs a week so I’ll take that. I guess I’m just going to have to live my life like I’m not having the surgery . I’m going to keep planning things like I have a healthy body. I have such a hard time accepting that I’m not normal but I don’t have a normal body. I keep pushing myself and pushing myself to the limits. I’m exhausted every day. Every day I wake up in excruciating pain and I don’t think anyone truly understands what it’s like to be me. It’s so hard trying to take care of my 3 kids and keep my marriage going on top of focusing on myself. Trying to just be happy. I just feel so lost right now
Yesterday I sat thru a 3 hour long MRI by the time I was done I was in so much pain. Laying in the same position sucked ass. It was for my whole spine and I honestly do not even want to know what the results are. I have been feeling amazing for the last 6 months and I feel like the higher powers that be are teasing me. I know that I am going to need another operation I can honestly feel that something is off. My perception of things is off it is like there is someone back there pulling strings with my spinal cord. How do I tell my family that I am worried. I don’t… I sit here and suffer in silence alone because this will be my 11 spine surgery. After my last spine surgery in May 2016 I decided that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. So I started to exercise slowly . Each and everyday I dragged my self out of the house to walk. Then I changes my eating habits boy what an incredible difference that made. I joined this program with an accountability group and found an amazing group of women, I love it!!! I went from 210 ponds to 145 in 9 months… I have a ton more energy and my pain level cut down as well…. But
On the outside I look fine. Do I look sick. No I do not. But what exactly does sick look like. People are so judgmental too. It’s like I need to walk around with a big sign that says hey “I am fucked up!” My friends do not understand and sometimes I do not have the patience to explain anything to them anymore. I have told them all time and time again that I have a disease that there is no cure for. They just do not get it. When I have to cancel plans at the last minute because I am in pain and I know that doing what ever we are going to be doing is going to wreck me they get pissed off and take it personally. Or if I am having a rough day and they are negative I do not want to hang out with them because I need positive people in my life. I need people to lift me up not bring me down. I can bring myself down all by myself. I have lost a ton of friends over the years but then again were they really true friends? I guess not.
When it rains out my whole entire body aches and I want to stay in bed. It takes every ounce of will power that I have to get out. I AM MY OWN CHEERING SQUAD… I ache the whole day everyday. No one knows the struggles I go thru on a daily basis but then again I do not know their struggles either. To push thru the days is all mind over matter because most of the medicines do not work any more and my brain is so much more powerful. I have been doing so well and now the higher powers gave me a giant ROADBLOCK. That is okay. I can get passed it. I have before and I just need to keep remembering all that I have overcome.
It’s not often that I am lost in life. There are times when I may verre off of my mountain road onto a new path but usually I am quick to find my way back. Latley that has not been the case at all. Getting the pneumonia back in Oct and having been sick ever since I feel like I am stuck in a path full of thorny roses, which are reaching the ones I love and want to protect. I am arguing with my husband non stop about every little thing. Having a hard time dealing with the bed rest and not being able to do some type of physical actiyity. Technically bedrest should be over by now but it’s not. I am good on my feet for maybe an hour out of the whole day off and on, still I am having trouble breathing. Just taking a shower is sucking all the energy out of me . The doctor say it’s going to take 12 weeks for me to fully heal from this pleurisy disease. For any healthy person that probably wouldn’t be a problem but where I have had so many surgeries there’s lots of bumps, scar tissue and other issues which won’t let my lungs deflame as I’m going to call it. On a positive note i have gotten a ton of paperwork done and knitted like seven scarf so far , but I am going out of my mind. It Is hard for other people to understand what I’m going through because most people don’t have the problems that I do. I don’t really tell a lot of people everything that is going on with me because I don’t even want to hear myself talk about it anymore let alone lay my burden on someone else. My husband gets depressed because I hurt so much which then makes him crabby and we fight. He really is a silent victim in this vicious circle that I have going on, I suggested that maybe he see a counselor but I don’t think he is too keen on the idea. I think he needs to talk about this to somebody because you can’t keep all of your issues inside without eventually exploding. who do you explode on ? Usually the ones you love. I sent an email to my thoracic surgeon today explaining that while I understand and know that I need to rest and heal I also need to move around. The rest of my body has issues that are affected when I’m not in motion. I need to be in constant motion in order to lessen the pain . I asked him if maybe he could give me an order for physical therapy so they can at least give me some massage and manual manipulation. Before I got sick I was a very independent woman and hated asking everyone for help. I am a do it yourself kind of person so now i have had to learn how to rely on other people. Which seems to be very difficult for me. I often feel guilty asking for help, for anything really and it makes me feel useless even though I know those around me see me as a very strong useful person. I just can’t understand why I cannot see what they see when I look in the mirror. I mentioned to my husband that maybe we should take a little break and I should stay at my friends house for a few weeks. Thinking that this may be a good idea to distress and look at things from another perspective. He does not feel that way. Granted I do have a good support system in place I just wish it was a little bigger. I wish it included my mother, father and siblings but it does not and that is a story for another day. Once again I am back at square one which is not a bad thing but I have been a square one many times over the past 10 years and it’s very tiring building myself back up without a cheering squad there every morning. I need a cheer team. Who wants to try out?