Children · Dad · Lost · Love · My Journey · Uncategorized

9 Years Old. Was I good enough?

At 9 years old I was happy . It was a great age. At that point in my life things were ok . not great but manageable. My role models were my dad and my grandfather. 

I looked up to my day because he represented STRONG. He was an athlete, gymnast, weight lifter ,a logger, my coach and was always working hard. My grandfather because he was patient , kind, a teacher and a hard worker.  I always wanted to prove to my dad that I was good enough, strong enough that I could be just like one of the boys. Body image was a big deal to him . I  can remember my dad making comments to my mom about her weight and the way she looked. Funny thing was my mom was never big. She was never bigger than a size 10. She always carried herself with pride and looked beautiful.  I felt loved by my mother, I can see that now as I look back. And I was definitely loved by my maternal grandparents but my dad was different. I knew he loved me but I was just never good enough. We were always conscious about being healthy because my dad had high blood pressure and my mom was always on a diet.  She was always working out in the kitchen with her canned  goods as weights. The Jane Fonda VHS tapes were always play.  Celebrities at that time in my life at the time were Pippi long-stocking and Punky brewster.  They were independent, always smiling . They seemed to never let anything get them down. Each one seemed to always be on a great adventure and we lived on 100 plus acres of land at the time and I loved to think of my life as an adventure too.   Gender roles were definitely a strong influence in my life. My father thought women should be barefoot and pregnant. I just wanted to be one of the boys. Hell I dont think I could have gotten much more tom boy if I tried. If my father said no or that I could not do something or that it was meant for boys. I did it. I mastered it. I was better than any boy doing the sport at the time, from hunting to baseball. 

Wow I did not realize how much this effected me until I wrote this today. I never wanted my kids to feel that way, not good enough.  I wanted them to be loved for what was inside of their hearts, not what they could achieve or what their bodies looked like.  Do you know that my daughter actually thought she should have been a boy because she was a tom boy. Because I taught her everything I know.  It was horrible. She even thought I was gay because I do a lot of man stuff. Who decides what is man stuff and what is women stuff? How sad it that ? Because that is what society is making her think now a days. I told her no, it makes me a strong  independent women who can take care of herself no matter the situation. LIFE OR DEATH. Now when her and I go to our mountain home she has a whole new outlook on things. I am so proud that my daughter can use a woodspliter, generator, chainsaw, Ax, lawnmower, and any other power tool. She is 14 and can already drive my car. She rides a dirtbike and fourwheeler.  I love that she can shoot my riffle. I am proud of her.

At the end of this, I have no idea why my dad was my role model growing up it should have been my mom. She had the strength to over come and get out of all the horrible things my father put me and my 3 sisters through.  All the abuses, physical and emotional. My mom and I may still have some issues but I am proud to be her Daughter

Your life is what you make it!

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Car rides · Chronic pain · Control · Dad · Lost · My Journey · Strongcamp · Uncategorized · Woods

Control

 

 When you are in chronic pain it is hard to give up control.You need to control everything around you because you’re trying to control the pain. You try to cope the best way you knows how. You’re trying to distract yourself. You’re trying to take away the pain. YOU ARE IN FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE . Constantly struggling with a reality that nobody sees.  For a long time I associated driving with excruciating pain .  I get car sick,  after 10 minutes in the car my whole body stiffens up and my back feels like it’s on fire.  It makes me want to rip my head off. For a long time I had to lay down in the back seat and I could never sit upright. I would put off going on long trips and I sacrificed a lot of things for over 10 years.  I would always drive if we went anywhere because I would hope to distract myself from the pain.

This past weekend I went away with an amazing group of women to StrongCamp New England. We decided it was a good idea  to drive together and I was not the driver. This was probably one of the hardest things for me to do, giving up the control. Immediately my brain associates this car ride with pain so it puts me in a funky mood. The amazing woman who drove us drives on the slow side which drove me crazy. But I’m learning to be a better person so once again have to learn to keep my mouth shut and give up that control. She is a great driver and has never had  a speeding ticket. I’m so proud of her she got us there safe and sound in the pouring rain. I drive 90mph everywhere I go.  By the time we got to the hotel I was miserable. Even though I sat in the front seat I was car sick, had a migraine and my back was screaming out in pain. I knew no amount of medication was going to take my pain away. I would just  have to suck it up and deal. Try my best not to be a bitch but once my body reaches that pain mode my brain start spinning out of control.  After an hour or so I just dropped it(my pain level) myself with meeting the rest of our team, decompressing, and things weren’t as bad. 

The ride home was a different story… my body was wrecked from a hard long weekend at strong camp. My mind was clear but full of pain, emotional and physical.  I’m all about getting from point A to B the quickest, fastest and  most direct route possible.  Of course there was a mishap with the GPS.  I knew the GPS was wrong on which way to go because I’m like a human compass.   When you have three other women and the GPS telling you you’re wrong you begin to second-guess yourself.   Let me back up a bit, I’m only like a human compass because of my  father.  When I was little he would take us girls out into the woods and leave us there then tell us to find our way home. As a young child it was scary as fuck. Especially knowing that I was responsible for my two younger sisters. Later on in life I learned that he was nearby watching but I never knew that back then. Twice at the age of 6 I got lost in the woods with my little sister in tow. One of the times she fell and broke her arm. I’m not sure how I found my way back. I think it was a pure miracle but I remember her crying the whole way and  I remember thinking Dads going to be really mad and beat me for this one. So in my mind as we’re getting lost on the highway all this is running through my head making my headache 10 times as i’m trying not to puke. My body is screaming out in pain and I am going to pee my pants at any moment. I’m trying so hard not to be a total bitch. Giving up control of a situation has been one of the hardest things I have ever learned how to do. I’m not sure anyone else in that car realized my internal struggle I don’t think they realize how deep it goes. I am not even sure I think I realize how deep it goes. Us taking the wrong Highway put another 45 minutes on the drive and my Everlasting pain which makes me go crazy and sets off me having anxiety attack. My anxiety attacks gets so bad that I want to jump out of the car there is no medicine… GIVING UP CONTROL IS A HARD THING TO DO …. IT IS A WORK IN PROGRESS BUT I AM DOING IT!

Children · Dad · Family · Love

Dear Dad

I wrote this on Jan 23, 2015. I really wish I could just send it to him.

 

Dear Dad,
Yesterday at 6:08 p.m. I sat with your father, my grandfather and held his hand while he passed on to another life. I am pretty honored to have been there with him and your sister , my aunt when passed on peacefully.  After you left all kinds of thought went running through my head.  It’s been along time dad. Not really sure why we do not talk and why you do not know the strong daughter you have or the incredible grandchildren.  I get it raising kids is so hard. Probably the hardest thing that any person will ever do. The greatest accomplishment in life.  Things do not always go as planned , we make mistakes, we fuck up. That is why there is this thing called forgiveness and second chances. I do not and will never regret anything that has happened in my life. It has made me the women that I have become today and I am pretty fucking proud of her. You might want to know what makes up this women, how did she become the person she is? Well I had a great set of parents when I was younger. You guys were so not perfect but relationship and child manuals have yet to be made, so you struggle along.  Dad, if nothing else, if you never read this I just want you to know that I remember everything you ever taught me. The love for nature, your passion for sports, hardworking ethic, never to give up just keep on trucking.  I think of when you first taught me how to play baseball, I use to break dance in the outfield. I couldn’t even hit the ball off the tee.  I can still here you yelling at me to pay attention , hands on your knees.   Did you know that if I had stayed in high school I would have had a full ride to college for softball.  I pitched the fasted, threw the hardest and hit the longest. All because of you dad.   I remember following you in the woods, like a little minion. Learning every tree, every leave, all the nuts. What to eat and what was poisonous . How to make a shelter out of nature and keep it rain tight. Teaching me how to track, stay down wind of your prey.  Because of you teaching me how not to get lost in the woods , I have never been lost in life. I can always find my way back to the path.  I know that things were tough when your daughters started growing up. I know that you secretly  wished we were boys and I am sorry we are not.   I can completely understand how and why my parents got divorced.  Relationships are hard work, you need lots of communication. people need to be a united front when raising children. You learn from ones parents, they were your example. Your parents fucked up too. Each generation has to break the cycle ,take the good from their elders and add their own.   My sisters and I were just kids, we looked to you for guidance and understanding. It was not our fault that mom and you did not make it. One makes their own decisions decides ones own fate.   For along time I blamed myself for your problems and your faults. I had to justify why all of the sudden I was your little minion and then when things got tough you guys just gave up.  I do not blame myself anymore for I was just a child.  I forgave you both a long time ago. I gave up my anger and hatred.  Do you know that it has been over 20 years since I have had my dad in my life. That is a long time but it is never too late.   I wish I knew why you don’t love me anymore , deep inside I am still your little girl.  It was so hard to see you and not know what went wrong. Why you talk to my younger sisters but not me.  I have no clue how to fix it. I have reached out several times and never had anything back.   I can’t reach out anymore, I am tired and have an illness that is just tearing me up inside. I have to focus my attention on my family because who knows how long I am destined for this earth.  If nothing else Dad, if we never have a relationship again I want you to know how much I love you.  I remember everything.

With all my love,
Daughter.