Today My son and his girlfriend brought me to have a Lido-cane infusion at the hospital. I swear that stuff is like truth serum if they only used it on criminals things would go so much easier. It takes about an hour for it to go into my system and one of the nurses has to sit with you the whole time.I really love the nurses there. They care and it is a one on one counseling session for a whole hour. I completely lost it while i was laying there in that sterile hospital bed. I started to sob like i have not done in so long. I am having such a hard time accepting that eventually I will be paralyzed. I try never to say it or even to think about it for that matter but it has been weighed on my mind. I am so fucking scared. They had my 19-year-old son come in and hold my hand to calm me down and we cried together. He reminded me that he has seen me a lot worse that i was today and that even if I am paralyzed I will find a way to succeed. At one point he told me what an amazing person I am because of how I always help other people and now it is time to let other people help me. He said, ” Mom people alway praise how great my brother, sister and I am.” ” We did not get like this on our own. You did it. You raised us to be this way and it takes one hell of a strong women to go thru what you have been thru and still have amazing kids.” He kept wiping my tears off my cheeks. In my mind I was thinking how I was the luckiest mother on the planet to have this exceptional child. What did I do to deserve these kick ass kids. Don’t get me wrong they push my buttons sometimes but I would not change anything about them. My son made everything all better. I wish that it could have been my mom sitting there holding my hand telling me that everything will be alright. In my heart I know that it will be but I just wish my Nana was still alive so she could make me a cup of tea and call me her angel pie once more.
I have so many emotions running through my head. When we got home from the hospital I took a nap then my best friend came to see me. We made the dreaded list that I have been putting off forever. At 40 years old who wants to have to go see a lawyer about writing a will, not me. I need to go talk to my foster parents about some of my financial concerns and fix my medical proxy again. I remember 11 years ago when they first explained this disease to me I could not wrap my head around it so I had to make my best friend my medical proxy. There is no way I could ask my husband to bear the burden of pulling the plug. I do not even think that he would. He loves me so much that he would keep\ me alive forever. I just fucking hate this bone disease. To know that is going to fuse all my joints together slowly but surly. It is happening so rapidly in my spine to me having a spine operation is like getting your oil changed in your car. I never really tell anyone how I feel, You who read this are the only ones that know.
This weekend we are taking the kids to the mountains to our little getaway place. I want to move there. I am going to ride my 4-wheeler to my favorite spot and enjoy the silence. Take some fabulous photos. I am going to bust out my new chainsaw and cut up wood just because I can. I love that thing. My neighbor up there calls me skidder Bitch. I think it is a riot. Then if I am still stressed out I am going to get out my rifle that i bought myself that has barely any kick back and do some target practice. Most of all I am going to enjoy the time with my family and just be. This will be the first time in a year that my 22-year-old step son has been up to our place. He has six months clean and sober and I am so fucking proud of him. I love that kid to the moon and back. My daughter is going to be riding her new dirt bike she got for Christmas for the first time I am wicked excited for that. I can’t wait to ride it either. We are also taking my friend’s son who is 14. He is having some problems in and out of school. I am hoping to talk to him so i can find out what is going on before he takes the road that I traveled when I was his age. I love that we disconnect from the world when we are there since there is no phone service or internet. It is great for the kids!!!
I wrote this on Jan 23, 2015. I really wish I could just send it to him.
Yesterday at 6:08 p.m. I sat with your father, my grandfather and held his hand while he passed on to another life. I am pretty honored to have been there with him and your sister , my aunt when passed on peacefully. After you left all kinds of thought went running through my head. It’s been along time dad. Not really sure why we do not talk and why you do not know the strong daughter you have or the incredible grandchildren. I get it raising kids is so hard. Probably the hardest thing that any person will ever do. The greatest accomplishment in life. Things do not always go as planned , we make mistakes, we fuck up. That is why there is this thing called forgiveness and second chances. I do not and will never regret anything that has happened in my life. It has made me the women that I have become today and I am pretty fucking proud of her. You might want to know what makes up this women, how did she become the person she is? Well I had a great set of parents when I was younger. You guys were so not perfect but relationship and child manuals have yet to be made, so you struggle along. Dad, if nothing else, if you never read this I just want you to know that I remember everything you ever taught me. The love for nature, your passion for sports, hardworking ethic, never to give up just keep on trucking. I think of when you first taught me how to play baseball, I use to break dance in the outfield. I couldn’t even hit the ball off the tee. I can still here you yelling at me to pay attention , hands on your knees. Did you know that if I had stayed in high school I would have had a full ride to college for softball. I pitched the fasted, threw the hardest and hit the longest. All because of you dad. I remember following you in the woods, like a little minion. Learning every tree, every leave, all the nuts. What to eat and what was poisonous . How to make a shelter out of nature and keep it rain tight. Teaching me how to track, stay down wind of your prey. Because of you teaching me how not to get lost in the woods , I have never been lost in life. I can always find my way back to the path. I know that things were tough when your daughters started growing up. I know that you secretly wished we were boys and I am sorry we are not. I can completely understand how and why my parents got divorced. Relationships are hard work, you need lots of communication. people need to be a united front when raising children. You learn from ones parents, they were your example. Your parents fucked up too. Each generation has to break the cycle ,take the good from their elders and add their own. My sisters and I were just kids, we looked to you for guidance and understanding. It was not our fault that mom and you did not make it. One makes their own decisions decides ones own fate. For along time I blamed myself for your problems and your faults. I had to justify why all of the sudden I was your little minion and then when things got tough you guys just gave up. I do not blame myself anymore for I was just a child. I forgave you both a long time ago. I gave up my anger and hatred. Do you know that it has been over 20 years since I have had my dad in my life. That is a long time but it is never too late. I wish I knew why you don’t love me anymore , deep inside I am still your little girl. It was so hard to see you and not know what went wrong. Why you talk to my younger sisters but not me. I have no clue how to fix it. I have reached out several times and never had anything back. I can’t reach out anymore, I am tired and have an illness that is just tearing me up inside. I have to focus my attention on my family because who knows how long I am destined for this earth. If nothing else Dad, if we never have a relationship again I want you to know how much I love you. I remember everything.
With all my love,
So I often ask myself, Why me? Why have I been suffering in unimaginable pain for the last 10 years. What did I do in my childhood or pastlife that is so horrible to carry on into my adault years. The Answer. Nothing. I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. For some reason the higher powers that be have made me a pain warrior. They obviously have something planned for me that I have no clue of or control. I guess I am supposed to be some leader of a chronic pain war.
If you had asked me all this yesterday I would have said that I have no fight left in me. That I am just done and I want it all to end. Yet with the waking of the new day I am still strong as ever on the hunt to figure out what is going in the interesting body that I have been blessed with.
Unless you have a chronic illness most people do not understand the daily fight and struggles with in. It is so hard to try and explain to famiy and friends what is going on. How every minute in my life can change drastically. Hour to hour, day by day. I take two steps forward and then 10 steps back. Making decisions latley has become a nightmare. Do i really want to do this? Do I want to hang with them? How bad do i want it? ……. I have been weighing who and what gets my time so carefully because I suffer so much afterward.
Growing up if you had asked me what i wanted to become in life I would have told you a mother d a wife. I want to live in a white house with a picket fence. I really never wanted to be much more and it probably stems from my suck ass childhood. I have achieved those goals but no where in there did I say i want a ravaged body.
Even though all the ugly in my darkest hours the one thing that has brought me through is my three children. They are the light at the end of my tunnel. Certainly they are far from perfect, but in my eyes I could not have asked for better. My children keep me going, I want to see my grandchildren and teach them nursery rhymes. So for today I will live just for that.
My son wrote me this letter for mothers day in 2015, he is 18 . When I am feeling down this is what helps pick me up.
“Dear Carie Ann,
Whenever the kids at school talk about their parents I always feel bad for them because I know they will never experience a great mother like you. I know that their mothers would dread the idea of spending a week in the hospital with their children and would dread it ever more if it happened to fall around a holiday. But you, you wouldn’t, sure you wouldn’t like the fact, but you would tough it out. You would go above and beyond to make sure that your children are safe and happy. You make a conscious effort to make our home a welcoming place for anyone steps in it no matter what is going in our life. You are always there when we need someone to talk to and you always will be. You keep your chin up even when the odds are against and I praise you for that. With all the stuff that happens in your life you would think that by now you would’ve given or something. Nope, you keep trucking on through and I think that is what make you not only a great mother, but a great person. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful to have you in my life and I am even more thankful that I get to call you mom. So next time you are feeling like you aren’t doing the best for us or for yourself I want you to this and say to yourself, “I’m the best mother out there” because you really are . I’ll wrap this up because by know you probably have crocodile tears running down your face.
Love Your First Born Son
Happy Mother’s Day”