As I took a picture this morning to send to my friend , she wanted to see how my spray tan came out, I saw a how flawed my body was. I was a spray tan virgin until I had my cherry popped yesterday😂😂😂. As you can imagine from having all the surgeries that I’ve had I’m full of scars and my body is disproportionate. When you look at me my left side of my body it is higher than the right .It bothers me because it makes one of my breasts hang lower than the other. In the scheme of things it really doesn’t matter because I can still walk. As a woman mentally sometimes it fucks with my head. It’s because I am missing ribs on the right side and I have a titanium one this makes me off kilter. Everytime I look in the mirror I focus on that horrible year in my life of the operations ,rehabs, suffering and infections. I need to make new memories which I’m trying to do. It’s not like when I see the stretch marks on my belly and I think wow I have two beautiful children and I’m blessed. And although my back is scarred from one end to the other I don’t see it that often. I think it’s ugly but I’m starting to replace it with beautiful muscles. Body Images something that I struggle with because it was ingrained in my mind as a child from my father that you had to be perfect and I was just never good enough. Today I’m just blessed I can walk and I’m thankful for the small things in life but this morning when I took that picture it just hit me a little hard. I sometimes wonder what other women have for body image issues. do they see what I see when they look in the mirror?
This coming Saturday I am doing my first professional photo shoot to show how far I have come on my health and wellness journey.I am so nervous! Not really sure why, i stood naked today in front of the spray tan lady. That was a little weird. That was also a first for me, spray tan. Not to sure how I feel about that. I think it might be the other girls that are making me nervous. Their nervousness and fears are wearing on me. I bought some incredibly cute outfits. Stuff that I would not normally wear. Even though I am a little scared i am so excited. I have worked so hard for this day. I have been on a week lean down diet. i tried to be as strict as possible but I could have done a little bit better. Pictures to come!