Chronic pain · Fecal Tranpant · IBT therapy · Surgery · Trigger Point · Uncategorized

The Waiting Game


As I sit here waiting for the nurse to come and reassess my situation I find myself contemplating my up coming operations.  I feel like my little fighting solders have left the building.  The last 11 years have been nothing but battles with doctors and their nurses. I am climbing this mountain with a ton of dark caves.  Finding the best care for ones self is  trying ,I am not sure how older people do it.  Currently I am waiting for 3 surgery dates.  I have had so many surgeries on my back they have caused  a trigger point  on the end of a cut off rib.  Please do not let my enemies know that with one touch of it I throw up and drop to the ground, my bad ass bitch status will be out the window.  In my case the  trigger point is basically my  nerves that have grown into one big ball and I picture it like heart worm on a dog.  I really do not want another surgery but it is fucking up my muscles so bad by not firing right. Irritation from my doctor does not even describe how I feel, I just want a date that way I can schedule my life around it.   Summer is almost upon us and I am no way in hell having surgery in the good months.  Granted it does make recovery time a lot faster but this is the time I get my solace from my mountain retreat. As if I do not already have enough decisions with 3 kids and a husband.

The second operation is just IBT Therapy. The doctor is all for it  but one must see the psychiatrist at the hospital to asses your situation. This battle has been going on for over a year.  The brain doctor feels like it would just be one more disappointment for me in my life. He and I have met twice in the last year and both times I have had so much stress on my plate. He feels like in order for this to be done that I need a clean one. Knowing me that will never happen. I think the therapy is not going to be a long term solution just a short one but long enough so that I can get on my feet.  I would be happy with 6 months, that is a enough time for me to get strong enough to do regular exercise.   My doctor thinks this could work for my muscle spasms and pain. He is going to add several medicines to the pump instead of just one.  I would love to have an upper torso that is not one big charlie horse.

Apparently I like my plate over flowing so why not give me bronchitis again. Dear higher powers that be, Pneumonia and pleurisy were not enough for you. I have had some form of a lung problem since last summer.  while trying to figure out the lung issue they found out I have narcolepsy. Once again  I am on antibiotics for 45 days.  Ladies we all know what comes with antibiotics, a raging yeast infection. The kind that makes it swollen to ones knees, now only if my husbands dick was this big. When I went in to see my favorite doctor, the gynecologist, last week she also informed me that I have a bacterial infection and some growths inside. She is not sure what the growths are but guess what she is going to operate to take them out.  We need to test that shit for cancer.  My body loves to get C-Diff( I don’t wish this infection on my worst enemies) so I can not take any more antibiotics for bacterial infection. Did I mention this is the fastest way ever to loose weight. Shitting your brains out is just so much fun. When the nurse from her office call to inform me of the BV  I had a little fight with her because she happened to make the comment, ” Well since you are refusing to take antibiotics for the infection  the doctor wants you to use boric acid.”  Immediately I turned into something even the devil will not fuck with. I replied, ” I am not refusing anything, but I just had a shit transplant so I am not supposed to take them!”   I am pretty sure she did not have a clue what I was talking about because she said what about three times. Then I used the correct medical term,  “Fecal Transplant because I was getting C-diff a lot and it was not leaving my body”.   At this point in the conversation there was probably steam coming out of my ears because she repeated her self a few more times.  Then she informs me that I have to find a Pharmacy that makes the boric acid compound.  I am like what????  “That is your job.”   She replied in a bitch tone. ” You need to call your regular pharmacy and find out if and where they make compounds!”   My mind is screaming, ” Listen you dumb fucking bitch I already know that my pharmacy does not make compounds and since you are a pussy doctor ,who obviously did not even look at my file before you called me, you should already know who makes compounds since you are dealing with pregnant women all the time and that i just had a shit transplant. Do you know what it is like to now smell like your husbands shit after smelling like your own for forty fucking years. Weird and it creeps me the fuck out!!!”      I did restrained my swearing brain, which for me at this point in y life is nothing short of a miracle and told her where to call in the prescription.  We hung up and its been four days and the bitch did not call it in because I called the pharmacy .  Instead of dealing with them again I ordered my own capsules online. PROBLEM SOLVED.   Well I may have called practice this morning and put in a complaint.

One last grip then I am done with my rambling for the day.  I think I have C-diff again so I am going for testing tomorrow.  Won’t my husband be so excited to learn that he can be my shit donor again. Hahahahaha, jokes one me

Children · Dad · Family · Love

Dear Dad

I wrote this on Jan 23, 2015. I really wish I could just send it to him.


Dear Dad,
Yesterday at 6:08 p.m. I sat with your father, my grandfather and held his hand while he passed on to another life. I am pretty honored to have been there with him and your sister , my aunt when passed on peacefully.  After you left all kinds of thought went running through my head.  It’s been along time dad. Not really sure why we do not talk and why you do not know the strong daughter you have or the incredible grandchildren.  I get it raising kids is so hard. Probably the hardest thing that any person will ever do. The greatest accomplishment in life.  Things do not always go as planned , we make mistakes, we fuck up. That is why there is this thing called forgiveness and second chances. I do not and will never regret anything that has happened in my life. It has made me the women that I have become today and I am pretty fucking proud of her. You might want to know what makes up this women, how did she become the person she is? Well I had a great set of parents when I was younger. You guys were so not perfect but relationship and child manuals have yet to be made, so you struggle along.  Dad, if nothing else, if you never read this I just want you to know that I remember everything you ever taught me. The love for nature, your passion for sports, hardworking ethic, never to give up just keep on trucking.  I think of when you first taught me how to play baseball, I use to break dance in the outfield. I couldn’t even hit the ball off the tee.  I can still here you yelling at me to pay attention , hands on your knees.   Did you know that if I had stayed in high school I would have had a full ride to college for softball.  I pitched the fasted, threw the hardest and hit the longest. All because of you dad.   I remember following you in the woods, like a little minion. Learning every tree, every leave, all the nuts. What to eat and what was poisonous . How to make a shelter out of nature and keep it rain tight. Teaching me how to track, stay down wind of your prey.  Because of you teaching me how not to get lost in the woods , I have never been lost in life. I can always find my way back to the path.  I know that things were tough when your daughters started growing up. I know that you secretly  wished we were boys and I am sorry we are not.   I can completely understand how and why my parents got divorced.  Relationships are hard work, you need lots of communication. people need to be a united front when raising children. You learn from ones parents, they were your example. Your parents fucked up too. Each generation has to break the cycle ,take the good from their elders and add their own.   My sisters and I were just kids, we looked to you for guidance and understanding. It was not our fault that mom and you did not make it. One makes their own decisions decides ones own fate.   For along time I blamed myself for your problems and your faults. I had to justify why all of the sudden I was your little minion and then when things got tough you guys just gave up.  I do not blame myself anymore for I was just a child.  I forgave you both a long time ago. I gave up my anger and hatred.  Do you know that it has been over 20 years since I have had my dad in my life. That is a long time but it is never too late.   I wish I knew why you don’t love me anymore , deep inside I am still your little girl.  It was so hard to see you and not know what went wrong. Why you talk to my younger sisters but not me.  I have no clue how to fix it. I have reached out several times and never had anything back.   I can’t reach out anymore, I am tired and have an illness that is just tearing me up inside. I have to focus my attention on my family because who knows how long I am destined for this earth.  If nothing else Dad, if we never have a relationship again I want you to know how much I love you.  I remember everything.

With all my love,