So I often ask myself, Why me? Why have I been suffering in unimaginable pain for the last 10 years. What did I do in my childhood or pastlife that is so horrible to carry on into my adault years. The Answer. Nothing. I have come to the conclusion that it is what it is. For some reason the higher powers that be have made me a pain warrior. They obviously have something planned for me that I have no clue of or control. I guess I am supposed to be some leader of a chronic pain war.
If you had asked me all this yesterday I would have said that I have no fight left in me. That I am just done and I want it all to end. Yet with the waking of the new day I am still strong as ever on the hunt to figure out what is going in the interesting body that I have been blessed with.
Unless you have a chronic illness most people do not understand the daily fight and struggles with in. It is so hard to try and explain to famiy and friends what is going on. How every minute in my life can change drastically. Hour to hour, day by day. I take two steps forward and then 10 steps back. Making decisions latley has become a nightmare. Do i really want to do this? Do I want to hang with them? How bad do i want it? ……. I have been weighing who and what gets my time so carefully because I suffer so much afterward.
Growing up if you had asked me what i wanted to become in life I would have told you a mother d a wife. I want to live in a white house with a picket fence. I really never wanted to be much more and it probably stems from my suck ass childhood. I have achieved those goals but no where in there did I say i want a ravaged body.
Even though all the ugly in my darkest hours the one thing that has brought me through is my three children. They are the light at the end of my tunnel. Certainly they are far from perfect, but in my eyes I could not have asked for better. My children keep me going, I want to see my grandchildren and teach them nursery rhymes. So for today I will live just for that.