It’s not often that I am lost in life. There are times when I may verre off of my mountain  road onto a new path but usually I am quick to find my way back. Latley that has not been the case at all.  Getting  the pneumonia  back in Oct and having been sick ever since I feel like I am stuck in a path full of thorny roses, which are reaching  the ones I love and want to protect. I am arguing with my husband non stop about every little thing. Having a hard time dealing with the bed rest and not being able to do some type of physical actiyity. Technically bedrest  should  be over by now but it’s not. I am good on my feet for maybe an hour out of the whole day off and on, still I am having trouble breathing.  Just taking a shower is sucking all the energy out of me . The doctor say it’s going to take 12 weeks for me to fully heal from this pleurisy disease. For any healthy person that probably wouldn’t be a problem but where I have had so many surgeries there’s lots of bumps, scar tissue  and other issues which won’t let my lungs deflame as I’m going to call it. On a positive note i have gotten a ton of paperwork done and knitted like seven scarf so far , but I am going out of my mind. It Is hard for other people to understand what I’m going through because most people don’t have the problems that I do. I don’t really tell a lot of people everything that is going on with me because I don’t even want to hear myself talk about it anymore let alone lay my burden on someone else. My husband gets depressed because I hurt so much which then makes him crabby and we fight. He really is a silent victim in this vicious circle that  I have going on, I suggested that maybe he see a counselor but I don’t think he is too keen on the idea. I think he needs to talk about this to somebody because you can’t keep all of your issues inside without eventually exploding. who do you explode on ? Usually the ones you love.  I sent an email to my thoracic surgeon today explaining that while I understand and know that I need to rest and heal I also need to move around. The rest of my body has issues that are affected when I’m not in motion.  I need to be in constant motion in order to lessen the pain . I asked him if maybe he could give me an order for physical therapy so they can at least give me some massage and manual manipulation. Before I got sick I was a very independent woman and hated asking everyone for help. I am a do it yourself kind of person so now i have had to learn how to rely on other people.  Which seems to be very difficult for me. I often feel guilty asking for help, for anything really  and it makes me feel useless even though I know those around me see me as a very strong useful person. I just can’t understand why I cannot see what they see when I look in the mirror.  I mentioned to my husband that maybe we should take a little break and I should stay at my friends house for a few weeks. Thinking that this may be a good idea to distress and look at things from another perspective. He does not feel that way.   Granted I do have a good support system in place I just wish it was a little bigger. I wish it included my mother, father and siblings but it does not and that is a story for another day.  Once again I am back at square one which is not a bad thing but I have been a square one many times over the past 10 years and it’s very tiring building myself back up without a cheering squad there every morning.  I need a cheer team. Who wants to try out?


2 thoughts on “LOST

  1. I’m so sorry for your pain and the struggles of dealing with it for both you and your husband. I can relate 100% and I wish I had this magic solution, but I don’t. I just want you to know, you’re not alone. I’ll be cheering for you 😉

    Liked by 1 person

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