I always like the stories that jump out and grab you but i don’t even think I can write like that. Lately I feel myself closing in on the invisible me . I’m quite sure its depression from being so sick and laid up. Feeling like that little kid who stayed home from school sick then she couldn’t go out and play with her friends after school. She stood there watching through the sliding glass window.
When you look at me you would think there’s nothing wrong. One would say that girls fine,she’s crazy she’s outspoken , and she’s just nuts. When in all reality she is in so much pain it makes her not think straight. She would give anything to not feel. Problems on the inside she has no clue which ones to tackle first in which to save for the last. Getting out of bed every morning takes every ounce of strength she possesses . Wishing it were 20 cheerleaders standing beside her bed cheering her on. Not even her family realizes that taking a saps all her energy. Can anyone around her see that she’s fading away, once strong is no longer. She has pasted on her fake smile for so long that the makeup is refusing to stay. Stuck in this cycle that she cannot seem to break. How is she supposed to love when she cannot love herself any longer. Invisible me.
My son wrote me this letter for mothers day in 2015, he is 18 . When I am feeling down this is what helps pick me up.
“Dear Carie Ann,
Whenever the kids at school talk about their parents I always feel bad for them because I know they will never experience a great mother like you. I know that their mothers would dread the idea of spending a week in the hospital with their children and would dread it ever more if it happened to fall around a holiday. But you, you wouldn’t, sure you wouldn’t like the fact, but you would tough it out. You would go above and beyond to make sure that your children are safe and happy. You make a conscious effort to make our home a welcoming place for anyone steps in it no matter what is going in our life. You are always there when we need someone to talk to and you always will be. You keep your chin up even when the odds are against and I praise you for that. With all the stuff that happens in your life you would think that by now you would’ve given or something. Nope, you keep trucking on through and I think that is what make you not only a great mother, but a great person. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am thankful to have you in my life and I am even more thankful that I get to call you mom. So next time you are feeling like you aren’t doing the best for us or for yourself I want you to this and say to yourself, “I’m the best mother out there” because you really are . I’ll wrap this up because by know you probably have crocodile tears running down your face.
Love Your First Born Son
Happy Mother’s Day”
It’s not often that I am lost in life. There are times when I may verre off of my mountain road onto a new path but usually I am quick to find my way back. Latley that has not been the case at all. Getting the pneumonia back in Oct and having been sick ever since I feel like I am stuck in a path full of thorny roses, which are reaching the ones I love and want to protect. I am arguing with my husband non stop about every little thing. Having a hard time dealing with the bed rest and not being able to do some type of physical actiyity. Technically bedrest should be over by now but it’s not. I am good on my feet for maybe an hour out of the whole day off and on, still I am having trouble breathing. Just taking a shower is sucking all the energy out of me . The doctor say it’s going to take 12 weeks for me to fully heal from this pleurisy disease. For any healthy person that probably wouldn’t be a problem but where I have had so many surgeries there’s lots of bumps, scar tissue and other issues which won’t let my lungs deflame as I’m going to call it. On a positive note i have gotten a ton of paperwork done and knitted like seven scarf so far , but I am going out of my mind. It Is hard for other people to understand what I’m going through because most people don’t have the problems that I do. I don’t really tell a lot of people everything that is going on with me because I don’t even want to hear myself talk about it anymore let alone lay my burden on someone else. My husband gets depressed because I hurt so much which then makes him crabby and we fight. He really is a silent victim in this vicious circle that I have going on, I suggested that maybe he see a counselor but I don’t think he is too keen on the idea. I think he needs to talk about this to somebody because you can’t keep all of your issues inside without eventually exploding. who do you explode on ? Usually the ones you love. I sent an email to my thoracic surgeon today explaining that while I understand and know that I need to rest and heal I also need to move around. The rest of my body has issues that are affected when I’m not in motion. I need to be in constant motion in order to lessen the pain . I asked him if maybe he could give me an order for physical therapy so they can at least give me some massage and manual manipulation. Before I got sick I was a very independent woman and hated asking everyone for help. I am a do it yourself kind of person so now i have had to learn how to rely on other people. Which seems to be very difficult for me. I often feel guilty asking for help, for anything really and it makes me feel useless even though I know those around me see me as a very strong useful person. I just can’t understand why I cannot see what they see when I look in the mirror. I mentioned to my husband that maybe we should take a little break and I should stay at my friends house for a few weeks. Thinking that this may be a good idea to distress and look at things from another perspective. He does not feel that way. Granted I do have a good support system in place I just wish it was a little bigger. I wish it included my mother, father and siblings but it does not and that is a story for another day. Once again I am back at square one which is not a bad thing but I have been a square one many times over the past 10 years and it’s very tiring building myself back up without a cheering squad there every morning. I need a cheer team. Who wants to try out?